im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
