just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize