They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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