There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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