yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
