textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This is the high leading the old right now
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
