I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
