Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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