funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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