My Higher Power is John Stamos
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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