How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
