She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
50% drunk capacity currently
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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