Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
