Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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