I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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