I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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