Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
