so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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