at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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