I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Its about making memories worth repressing
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
