I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
