Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
