Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize