There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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