I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
