I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
