A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
