I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
