id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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