cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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