My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize