I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
