dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
