Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
