i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize