there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im part way to drunk.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
