I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
