Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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