This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
