I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
