know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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