Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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