i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
