You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My vagina is officially offended.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
