Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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