I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
