i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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