there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
