Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
