I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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