Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
pop tarts are not kleenex
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize