Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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