i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize