i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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