two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
