Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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