She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
