lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
