I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
