Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
