Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
