I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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