i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
