im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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